12/27/2013

Well, I finally sent you the link to the first note I wrote you here.  I hope you don't mind.  I was very excited to get the idea to start writing you love notes here, though now I'm kinda nervous because now I think it might be silly.
Oh well, we know I'm incurably silly anyway!
Fingers crossed you like this

12/26/2013

[Note: I managed to retrieve the note I first wrote last night!]

Why have I still not given this address to you? I know I want you to have it. I guess I'm just afraid of it being dumb. Maybe I'll feel up for it for Presidents Day. In any case we sure had a lovely Christmas. The girls were thrilled with their new presents, even though Lizzie's isn't working. I love that you went with the girls to get me surprises from my moms house. It's fun having new things for my American Girl doll.  While it wasn't actually for Christmas, I love my new phone too. I'm using it right now to post this note! I love you babe and I'm glad you've had to speak Asian to be with us. I actually said "I'm glad you have had this vacation to be with us", but I'm using voice input to write this and that mistake was too funny to delete.  It's getting late and I'm ready for bed. Much love to you, I'll see you in a minute when you come in.

12/26/2013

I wrote you a new note but accidentally posted it in the wrong place!   Oops!  I'll fix it tomorrow.   You're about to come in to go to bed so I'd like to put this away first. Love you.

12/21/2013

Sitting in the car while you run in to Ream's with Kate to buy bread, watching a movie with Lizzie and Sabrina.  Feeling incredibly blessed.
Two days ago one of my most beneficial meds was doubled.  I know I've been a little insane since then and apparently I would be a silly and/or sleepy drunk.  But oh, the relief I've felt since then has been wonderful!  I pray it continues.  I can't wait to be more of a participant in life!  Especially in parts of life with you.

12/13/2013

I like playing comic book trivia with you online.

12/10/2013

What an eventful month we've had.  The holidays get so chaotic and busy.  Preamble them with my birthday with our anniversary mixed in there and it's a whole love of great stuff shoved into a very little time!  I have enjoyed a few things we've been able to do in the festive spirit -- going to the Christmas Devotional, complete with a very quick visit to the Temple Square lights; the Festival of Lights, while eating ice cream cones; and putting up the outdoor lights and the few bows I managed.

I'm looking forward to the rest of the season.  I am extremely grateful for the attention you have paid to the extra problems I've had.  I'm impressed that by the time I went to the doctor today we'd already arranged for every "you could also..." situation he suggested.  The gloves are helping, and having the temperature a little higher in the house for a few days has been a relief too.  I hope that getting things under control we can go back to a more fiscally conscious thermostat setting, but I'm glad for the easing of the pain in the mean time.

Up next: Lizzie's choir concert, your friends' gathering, the ward Christmas party, my orchestra concert, Kate's orchestra concert... and all that is within the next 7 days!  Guess we'd better get our "Jolly" on!

11/16/2013

I love the text message from you this morning.  I didn't see it until part way through orchestra, but it made me smile.  Yup, just the note "I love you.  Be safe." can make me smile!  I loved coming home to see the girls' tiny snowman, the first of the year, out in the yard.  I even enjoy lying in bed next to you writing this on my phone and listening to your gentle snore.  Clearly something is wrong that I'm content to listen to you snore even though you were sleep when I left this morning and I'm painfully exhausted!  I'll take contentment for now, though.  I'll also finish this up and hurry to get a nap in before I have to do something else. 

I love you.  Be safe.

11/10/2013

To think that as I was posting my last post there, Pierre was on his way out.  Thank you for being the man who will sit and hold his blubbering wife in the middle of the night over a kitten who died.  The man who will drive nearly an hour roundtrip at 2 am to take the surviving kitten for fluids.  The man who will tenderly break the news to the children, then hold then tight.  The man who will take the day off work (working very long, early hours the next few days to make up for it) to spend the time together as a family, to respectfully take care of the body of the kitten who passed away, and to keep tabs on the kitten hanging on to life against the odds at the vet's.  To be the man who truly cares and mourns when the little one fails and he, too, passes away from distemper.  The man who cares to know that the two kitten brothers bodies will be taken care of together.
Thank you for being that man.
And in the midst of all that, thank you for creating such bright moments in the day, as it was also my birthday.  For the flowers, the steamers for the girls to tape to the wall, the gifts for me from the girls.  And for the love.  Bummer that my present still hasn't arrived!  The one besides my camera, that is.

I love you.

11/5/2013

Trust me, tonight when you were so worried because our little foster kitten Pierre didn't seem "normal", I was just as worried as you.  I keep trying to convince myself to just go to sleep, but what if something really is wrong with him?!  What if he is literally starving?  What if he has internal injuries? What if the new type of kitten food only he ate is poisoned? What if.....?
I may have played it cool at the moment, but that's just how I work.  Oh, I hope little Pierre is okay!  He's been through so much already, what with being underweight, losing his mama and two siblings when they were all thrown out a window on the freeway...  I don't want us to have somehow added to his pain.

As I type this Sabrina just came in for a cuddle.  She had had strep and even though she has been on antibiotics over 24 hours I can tell she is still running a fever.  At least I know what to do for a fever and I know better what she is dealing with right now.

Come on, it's my job to be sick for all of you.  It's no fair for any of the rest of you (cats and kittens included) to take on extras!

Maybe I'll just go check on Pierre one more time while I tuck Sabrina back in...

11/3/2013

Yesterday our youngest daughter was baptized.  It was a beautiful Saturday morning -- warm and yellow with fall leaves.  Dan and Michelle did the music, Suzette and I said the prayers, the Bishop and Primary President gave the talks.  Your dad and Dave (my brother) stood as witnesses.  Sabrina chose When I am Baptized and Child's Prayer as the songs.  It sounds so simple laid out in this fashion, and it was -- it was a very simple meeting with the focus on Sabrina's baptism and confirmation, the way it should be.
Thank you for doing the most important part of the day. Thank you for being a worthy priesthood holder so you can use the priesthood in our home.  That means the world to me.  To us.
As a child I remember a few instances when there was a storm.  There was a large tree not far from my bedroom window.  The branches reached that corner of the house.  During a storm the roof creaked and the branches rattled against the windows.  On these occasions I equated safety with the power of the priesthood in our home.  After that was no longer the case I felt vulnerable -- as if the walls and roof were hardly there.  It is important to me to have that safety net around our family.

10/21/2013

I was reading a book the other day (as always).  In books it's easy to see when someone is being stupid.  We have a broader perspective and more information in most cases.  One of my biggest pet peeves in books is when someone insists on sacrificing themselves for the "good" of others, whether the others want it or not.  The book I was reading had a female lead who had been in an accident years back.  As a result of the accident she was scarred, had frequent pain, and among other life changing affects, would not be able to carry a child.  The book was highly predictable, of course, and she pushed away the guy she fell for, refused to be close to children because she mourned her inability to have her own.  She yanked around her friends and loved ones by playing the martyr and refusing to protect herself and take some of life's joys for her own.
Pretty routine, right?
About 3/4 of the way through the book when I was doing dishes and talking out loud to the girl about how obviously stupid her actions were... and I finally made the connection.

Yeah, I can be really slow sometimes.

So I guess you're stuck with me, cause babe, I need you in my life!  I might actually believe that you love me and don't think less of me because I've developed new physical flaws.  Amazing discovery!  It is likely to take continued work to remember how to remember this epiphany, but it's a bit of a break-through.

10/15/2013

Thank you for driving Kate to meet the bus this morning.  She was so excited about going to the student council meeting today with student councils around the valley!  I can barely lift my legs or shuffle my feet today, so having you here made a big difference to my day.  While running some errands we got Jamba Juice smoothies and Einstein's Bros Bagels, a favorite lunch from enough years ago it was decently affordable.  With the girls all in school it was like going back a dozen years.  We still like to sit back with a smoothie and bagel for lunch.

10/14/2013

Eight years old.  It sounds so grown up!  We're long-since through with potty training and teaching things like how to ride a bike, or tie a shoe.  No pacing the floors in the wee hours of the night (thank goodness!) or checking under the beds for monsters.  We never could have guessed this timing a dozen and more years ago.  It's not the plan we started out with, but it has ended up perfect for our family.  I'm glad we are where we are.  I couldn't imagine a different life now.  I wouldn't trade our family for anything.  No, not even for perfect health and strength.  I just cannot believe that Sabrina is now eight years old!  With Lizzie at 9 and Kate 11, we're officially into the "tween" years.  Hold on tight, Daddy, life is just getting crazier.

10/13/2013

10/12/2013

As a young'n I very rarely went to the movies.  I'm sure it was the same way for you.  I guess our kids won't ever be able to make that claim!  And I kinda love it.  There's something cozy about an evening movie at the theater as a family.  Especially since we got the little carriers so the girls don't spill so easily.

10/11/2013

Thanks for taking Sabrina to work with you today.  The girls may complain sometimes about getting bored there, but I know they have all loved their special day at work with you for your birthday.  I'm a little jealous of the special times they get to spend with you.  I'm not jealous of your time, I'm jealous of their relationship with their Daddy.  What a different world this would be if every child had such love and trust between them and their father.

10/10/2013

10/9/2013

Thanks for spending countless accumulated hours looking at the things that I have created.  Some of them are pathetic, some are less so, but you rarely are too busy to take a moment to see what I've done.  Today it was photos.  I took pictures of baby M, weeded the 162 pictures down to 13, then worked for a few hours until they were just-so.  Thanks for taking the time to see what I'd done!  The process of creating and improving things is good for me, and sharing it with someone -- especially someone who will share honest opinions with me -- makes it more worthwhile.

10/8/2013

Tonight we went to the Provo Temple to see Anne and Gu Bin sealed together with their son.

I'm so grateful we were able to be married together in the temple.  My entire perspective on life is colored by the fact that I know I will be with you and with our girls forever.  If I felt that this life was all there was to my existence it would be extremely difficult to understand why we are faced by such challenges.  This is it, and I got the short straw?  Not cool.
Knowing that this is a learning and preparatory period for a much grander existence, however, makes it more manageable.

Watching little Caleb come in to the sealing room to join his parents was beautiful.  Seeing his face, and that of his parents, when they found each other made me think of the reunion we all can have after this life.  I'm glad it's you I will be with!

10/7/2013

Do you remember why I didn't write yesterday?

I was asleep.

Dead asleep.

I stayed awake for four whole hours -- both two-hour sessions of General Conference.  The rest of the day I crashed and just slept.

Thank you for letting me sleep.  I woke this morning to a scrubbed shower, some clean laundry, and happy children.  Nearly heaven!

10/5/2013

General Conference today, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland's talk about mental illness (much of which is applicable to other chronic illness), reminded me again how blessed I am to have you in my life.  I am so grateful I'm not alone.  I am so grateful that you can see far enough into the future to hope for a brightness and joy in immortal bodies free of temporal frailty.
Besides, as Kate told us tonight (watching Justice League together): even Superman has health issues.  Well, when he has a kryptonite bullet in his chest, at least.  Too bad I'm not a dude from Krypton with fortunate reactions to the yellow sun!  Though, come to think of it, the "dude" part wouldn't work out so well...

10/4/2013

Thank you for rubbing my shoulder this morning.  I wish I could handle having you push on the knots so this nerve could rest, but thanks for taking the time to do what was possible for me.  Those moments you take time for us before going on to work in the morning are special.  I love you.

10/3/2013

The other day a song came on the radio in the van.  You told me it made you think of me (Katy Perry, Roar).  You can't know how it touches my heart to know you think of me when we're apart and to see glimpses of how you view me.
This has to be brief tonight -- you're lying next to me playing a game on your phone.  Even though it's still well short of 10 pm I can barely keep my eyes open!

10/2/2013

Thank you for using me as a sounding board for concerns, questions, frustrations, and excitement in your life.  I know a lot of it (especially details about work projects) flies right over my head, but I like being the one you turn to.  I like having an idea of what is going on during your days.  Because of all my issues it seems that our lives revolve too much around me.  I appreciate feeling like I can play cheerleader for you too.  I also love it when I remember something or I suddenly "get" what you're doing.  The work you do is a help to many people and I like hearing about your daily triumphs and efforts. 

10/1/2013

You know when you're cozy in bed in that perfect position with your pillow in all the right places... and then realize the light is still on?  Or at least in a good enough position where it doesn't feel like knives and fire have engulfed my body...

Thank you for being willing to get out of bed and walk around to my side of the bed where the light switch is to turn off the light so I don't have to reach that extra few inches.  I feel silly when it happens and I try to not ask you to doing things for me just for the sake of saving myself a bit more discomfort, but I am extremely grateful when you are so willing and able to do those sorts of things for me.  

It might be a walk around the bed for you, but it saves me from severe acute pain for a few seconds followed by minutes (or on a really bad day: hours) of fighting to get back to the pain level I'd eased to.
So: thanks, babe!

9/30/2013

Thank you for your small (and not-so-small) words of kindness.  Today you sent me a message out of the blue that lifted me up.  I was just winding myself up in frustration when your message gave me pause.  It means a lot to me to know I'm not forgotten when you're away.  Obviously you're not "out of sight, out of mind" either.  Thank you for loving me back.

p.s.: kudos on your proper use of the word "too"!

9/29/2013

Today was an exhausting day.  I cannot seem to get enough sleep no matter what I do.  Even with a day consisting of only about 8 hours awake I feel like I must have run a marathon at some point in there.  Thank you for making sure the girls had eaten dinner and started getting ready for bed at the right time.  I want to be able to do those simple things, but apparently today was not the day for that accomplishment.  Rats.

9/28/2013

Thank you for loving our daughters.  Maybe even as much as I love them?  They are stronger and happier for having a wonderful father in their lives.  Just as importantly, they will be stronger and happier as they grow up to have such a great example of what makes a good man and husband.  They sure love you!  And so do I.

9/27/2013

Thank you for sending me to bed early tonight.  I don't understand why I've been so utterly exhausted, though I wonder if the infection in this tooth has been part of it?  No matter the cause, I decided I just had to lie down for half an hour or so, after the girls got home from school and before you got home from work.  You called on your way home and could hear how exhausted I am.  The sleep is still lousy, but the rest had been a huge help.  Since I was more awake right now I just took my nighttime meds and wanted to leave you this note before going back to sleep.  Hopefully by the morning I'll have caught up on some sleep and feel a bit more energetic.  Thanks for making that possible.

9/26/2013

Thank you for holding my hand at the doctor's office today.  For letting me wipe my eyes on your "absorbent" tee shirt.  Then for taking me to the dentist and doing it all over again.  I feel silly sometimes having such a hard time with things that I know aren't such a big deal, but having your hand in mine helps ground me.  It helps me remember that no matter what the doctors and dentists may not understand, you do; and you're on my side.

9/25/2013

Thank you for understanding times when "I'm just tired" means something more.  I try to be up front and honest with you, but some days I am too overwhelmed to even admit it to myself.

(image source: Positively Foolish http://goo.gl/uaQnjR)